Editor's note: This story touches on the topic of suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, you can dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 24/7, visit Colorado Crisis Services, or click here for a list of resources in Colorado.
DENVER — May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and as it comes to a close, a Colorado mother is using the power of her voice to help others.
“I would say everyone has value,” said Heidi Bode. “And you may not think that you’re important to people, but you are important.”
Twenty years ago, Bode had two beautiful children, a happy family, good health, and then – along came a third child.
“I had three amazing, healthy, wonderful kids,” she said. “A loving husband, community, family, PTA’s, sports, all the things. I was surrounded by people, and I was lonely.”
The loneliness became more and more unbearable.
“It really got very bad after the birth of my third child,” Bode said. “I really struggled with post-partum depression and suicidal thoughts.”
She was sinking into a deeper, darker place every day and despite the doctors who were trying to help, Bode was miserable.
“I just want to die,” she said. “And it just progressed, and it got worse, and I was just ruminating about wanting to die, not wanting to be here.”
Bode plotted and planned her own suicide.
“I wanted to make sure I did it right, so I had several means and methods that I had planned to put together to make sure that I did it right,” Bode said.
That included taking pills and driving over a cliff in the Rocky Mountains.
“There was a particular day where I was like – this is it. I just can’t do this. The kids were where they needed to be and my husband was at work and it was in that moment where it’s either – I’m going to do this or I’m going to live,” Bode said. “I was hysterical, yeah. You can’t see. I was crying so hard and you can’t breathe.”
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The moment came and she drove to the edge of a cliff in the foothills west of metro Denver, but then, something beautiful and unexpected happened in that moment of hysteria.
“I don’t know that it was a voice so much as maybe just peace,” said Bode. “Just, ‘Calm child. It’s going to be okay. We got this.’”
Bode is now the manager of the Porter Emergency Psychiatric Consultation Services, or PEPCS, crisis team at AdventHealth – serving all AdventHealth locations in Colorado with a team of 40 who help in all kinds of mental health crisis scenarios.
“We deal with people who are in acute mental health crisis or maybe experiencing struggles with substance use,” Bode said. “We see about 600 people a month.”
A life and career with purpose and passion.
“I think telling the story helps people realize that we all go through these moments,” said Bode. “And we need each other to get through them.”
For Bode, there are still daily struggles.
“I, sadly, have a long family legacy of suicide within my family,” she said. “My father’s mother died by suicide, my grandfather died by suicide on the other side, my sister died by suicide.”
It’s that legacy and her faith that drive her every day to be here – not only for her patients, but for herself.
“For probably 18 years – I’ve had bad days,” Bode said. “And there are days when I’m certainly down. But I have never been in that spot again. Sometimes life is lonely. There’s not necessarily an easy pill. But I always want to give people hope.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, you can dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 24/7, visit Colorado Crisis Services, or click here for a list of resources in Colorado.
